Learning to trust.

Learning to trust my husband again required detaching the man from his addiction.

I trust my husband when he’s in active recovery.
I trust the love and the work we’ve been putting into our marriage, our family and ourselves.

I don’t trust the addiction or when my husband is in active addiction.
I don’t trust myself when he’s in active addiction.

Addiction brought lies and betrayal into our home and turned my husband into someone I no longer knew or trusted.
His addiction turned me into a person I don’t want to be.

“Trust your gut,” my therapists would tell me, again and again.
So I did.
When I had a bad feeling about something I was often right.
I proved this by checking his phone while he slept.
He would not admit anything without proof.
Text messages, location history, phone numbers.

His phone became my source of truth.
Because it proved my gut feeling and was the only evidence I had, I felt it was the only thing I could trust.
I needed it to move forward.
I began checking it obsessively.

I don’t want to be the wife that checks her husband’s phone behind his back.
He can’t trust me and I’m not true to myself when I do.

So through our recovery process we have made small steps forward.
Now I ask to see his phone if my gut is telling me something is wrong, which is not often anymore.
In early recovery, which he is still in, it’s our way of establishing accountability.
We also have an app that allows me to see his location.
In the beginning it was just me seeing his location, but now he can see mine and it’s become more of a convenience for both of us.

But I check it every day, and if it’s ever not working, or when he got a new phone, I’m on him right away asking him to get that location app up and running.

When fear and triggers and addiction took over, it was my only source of truth, and so I still hold on to it.

I don’t know if I’m willing or able yet to give this over completely to my Higher Power by letting go of this phone access.
But I’m working on it.

Progress, not perfection.

I came to Al-Anon two years ago with no trust or faith in a Higher Power.
So yes, that phone was my only truth.
My safety net.

But phones break.
They get lost.
They can be turned off and hidden.

Higher Power can’t and won’t.

Two years later, and I trust the Higher Power of the stories, experience, strength and kindness in the people I’ve met in Al-Anon, in Al-Anon literature and in myself.

I’ve seen the progress that my husband and I continue to make.

I trust that if I keep coming back, showing up for myself and others every day in different ways, it’ll keep working.

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